FrEaK sHoW!!!

Whats up? i keep doing the same things,

This past weekend I went on a date with a friend of one of my sorority sisters and my bff, the kid is totally not my type he doesn't understand me or know me. you may say okay, there is no such thing as types, and really there isn't.

 We had a really good time, but he is talking about marriage and taking care of me in which are things that I want some day in my life I do want  to be loved, but he is also mad jelous!!! he fucking made me mad becuase my frat brothers were calling me and remind you I am totally close with them, like I would never leave them and would never stop talking to them and especially over some guy I just met and don't really like fisically.

 He is a great guy but I know that I am not the girl for him. and whats wrong is that I want that stability that he telling me he wants to give me, and I want the love that he wants to give me , but I am growing up and I dont want to be with some one becuase he can buy me things and take me places even though I want that i also want love that is true I am not going to change anything for anyone.

He came up with some random shit he wanted to drug test and he just got out of rehab,  on our first date(what!!!!!!!) He took me to church which is cute, he also screamed at me for talking to my friends he was even jelous of my girl friends even the one that presented us, he says he wants to make me his wife he presented me to his family and then started planning on naming our children and to moving in with me and I am like dude too much wayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!! to fast but I also find myself in so much need of things like that in a future I am thinking about it... fuck that dude hell no I rather be alone God has exactly what i need and the perfect person for me. 

I really dont know, but  I seem to be in love with a really close friend of mine. You may ask whats wrong with that thats great especialy if he knows you as well as he does and accepts you just as you , but he doesnt want to get involved, but I always feel like he loves me back or  would like to have me but he wont tell me that, maybe it is just my imagination.  The thing with him is is that he is my best friend and I tell him everything I would never want to hurt him he is so special to me, and just beautiful. Why have I not told him that I like him and that I would like to be with him is becuase he shows no interest in being with me, and yet he does. Why doesn't he just tell me if he does?

What holds me back? I want the best for him and I dont want him to just be fucking off like he does, I want him to be more serious and responsible I want him to be what he wants to be but I also want him to do what he has to do in life. I am so proud of him and happy for him he has a new acomplishment something new and productive to do. I want him to take school seriously and maybe have a vision of his future you know?

I just love him he is very special to me he is so cute in a cuddly way becuase mind you, he also is not my type fisicaly but I just love him inside and he makes me happy I love his company and his hugs, and kisses and everything about him but I would just probably hold him down, I mean I have a duaghter and well he likes to go out alot and even though i do to, its just not the same and it also would be kinda weird withour friends.

I miss and want someone to hold my hand. I just want to be wiiiiiith someone i love. becuase if I am not I'm just going to keep feeling empty.

DEFFECT: looking for thing instead of letting them just fall into place on Gods time.

TASK: Be happy with what i have and wait for when it's my turn I give God all control.