on to the new?

It’s crazy to me… this emptiness I feel. I feel a literal hole in my chest. So incomplete, I’m fucking terrified of this. It’s so real and raw right now. Missing people I shouldn’t. Those are no good to me.

I have to practice self worth it’s a really hard thing to do. I have to know who has good intentions for me and who is just using me.

I hate the fact that mostly everyone will use me, and that friends are only few.

I wish I could get over this, quick. Just rip it of like a band-aid. That’s what really sucks though, I know I should rip it off, because it isn’t good for me, but at the same time I know it’s not going to be quick it hurts already imagine coming to the acceptance that it’s just not working anymore. Not only that I now that band-aid will never stick again once it is off.

I have to stop using people places and things to make me feel good, this reality is so painful to me, only because I am a coward. I think I’m going to end up alone for the rest of my life, and that the fact is that there is nobody good left.

I hope all of you know I’m talking about a life partner or just someone that will always be there. I have been trying to let go of certain things and the fact is that I haven’t been able to all the way. It’s been a week since I have been trying to give up on this thing that all it does is hurt me worse and worse every time. The thing is that it should have been an easy decision to make, because of all that’s already happened. I keep doing the same thing waiting for different results. I hate this feeling alone, and just hallow and this is the only thing that bothers me.

Everything in my life is you could say perfect and manageable. This codependency that I have to have someone with me sucks, I mean how ungrateful am I really? I’m in school I have good grades, my daughter is beautiful smart  and loves me she is happy, I live in a great house I get to use the car most of the time, some of my friends are faithful. I just seem to want this one person, that has never been able to just, do what I want I guess, and the feeling of not getting what I want is probably what I am feeling. If it is that then it’s even worse.

I NEED GOD TO GET OVER THIS.

I have such a big ego it’s hard for me to even ask for help, to prey? I just can’t. It doesn’t come easy to me.  Maybe it’s that I don’t have faith. Maybe I say I need god because I know I need something to fill this void A-SAP before I hurt myself with some other stupid shit. Maybe the fact that I’m told every fucking day that I need to prey to get through these rough patches is the reason I say this. Maybe the fact that I don’t believe God can fill this void is what’s getting to me, I mean really if God could fill this void why even have a partner?

DEFECT: I’m not even going to say, I have’t gotten over my last defect and task.

TASK: get over the codependency issue do the last task all over again.