Yeah so he left me… and that's not the thing, the thing is he left to the navy without telling me; so where does that leave us? well I don’t know. See he never told me anything about going to join a Goddamn thing. All of a sudden, unexpectedly I’m told he left to join the navy.
This was his father, I saw my… whatever get on line on his MSN so I think well now I’m going to see what’s going on, because I hadn’t heard from him for days. Therefore, I ask him “what’s going on?” “Are you with another chick?” “I will understand if you would just tell me.” In addition, his father answers me like this. “Its dad and I’ve been with the same chick for 26 years.” I ask him how his son was doing that I have not heard from him in days. He answers, “He is in the navy boot camp and he returns October 31.”
Are you serious? De que out of nowhere how does this pop up.
The thing is that 3 days before this he is telling me, he loved me and he couldn’t wait to be with me. What am o supposed to think? On the other hand, even believe?
I had seen a girl comment on his face book if he had left already, so I asked him where he was going that she asked him that, and he was like “well baby back to PR, I had told her that I was going to move back, but never told her when.” “Okay”, I said, and never brought the subject up again, I thought he might surprise me.
So when was told this I flipped out, I went through denial, complete and total denial of my feelings, of my love for him and the actual effect it did to me. The feeling of abandonment, I went wild. All I could do was get mad.
I did things out of the ordinary just to feel that nothing really ever happened, to see if I could erase him from my heart and from my thoughts. I started to hate him. I was definitely under the influence. Not wanting to come to the reality of what happened I just blew, left, walked, and didn’t want to know, feel or find out. The thing is that I have never been with a man in a serious relationship, if you are following my blog well I’m a very closed off person and I don’t let people in very often and much less the way I did him.
I treated him like a king; to me he was my king at least. He was my new feeling, my awakening to what I could feel for another person. Man! My wall went up at 100 miles per hour. I went on a rampage.
Today I feel like an ass, like I was stupid, I don’t want to put dreams in my head like the “boys” the frats tell me that, “maybe he left to be able to have a steady income so he can give you a better life.” and all that jibber jabber, why wouldn’t he tell me? If that is, what he was doing? Why wouldn’t he tell me his plan? What was he doing with me?
My fit is over I seemed to have gotten it out of my system, but I still feel so much rejection and very abandoned, like he was talking shit to me and just painting a pretty picture. I feel so much lonelier in my bed, even though he never did occupy it. Didn’t really ever have anyone in it. But I guess it’s just the fact that I know I’m alone once again and maybe really don’t want to be it.
So I’m upset, nobody has ever left me like that, or maybe he hasn’t. What am I supposed to do, Wait For what? The 31 of October to come along and he not want me? I’m not a dumb ass and I’m too proud for that.
End of session #6
DEFFECT: I have no acceptance of my vulnerability and my true feeling.Closed heart
TASK: I must be rigorously honest with myself and learn to feel what I really feel, say what I really want to say and actually let myself be vulnerable. Open heart no matter what.
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario