Beautiful Melodies

So quiet… nobody is watching me. I see no one, but me.

 I love the sound of silence, just coming to the understanding that I love the sound of it, and am not uncomfortable by it. When the feeling of insight and of enlightenment comes over me, what could this actually be? Serenity, That is what it is I guess, this is harmony?

 I am finally learning to let go, let things actually happen. Everything has a reason, so be it. I am tired of fighting and of caring. The obsession of having control over everything, Over everyone. Acting as if I were my own personal god. I could not given myself this peace. I would have never been able to do that not for me, much less anyone else especially with the little effort I put in, the little that I have done for it.  I can actually close my eyes and just listen to the birds chirping and my breaths going in and out, in and out.

 Not wanting this moment to end, this solidarity or this individuality, I’m not going to think of anyone else. Unreal to having this calm, this calm. Not talking to myself but with my selves, all my individuals, keeping each one in control, in her place, no fighting, at last, I am not trying to kill myself for this one moment this instance. The quiet all around, my hushed mind, everyone is tame and letting me heal, heal. The wounds I have been bleeding from since a young girl. This temporary sanity giving me opportunity to see hear and sleep, to be. Be I and only I with no more company. No aliens in my head, no sounds of screaming, no hate no spitting, no vomit, my image has a reflection now. I am mostly free, a feel free, for now. Will my insanity ever catch up to me?

 I am invincible. I am a powerhouse I am of a lord I feel a soul. I feel real. My characters all bottled up, finally giving me a chance to breath. To hear and to see everything for the first time without all that noise, all that noise. All I can hear is a magical key board in the background. In a far distance, guitars and beats on a drum tie in, its sound of freedom, of angle flowing spirits of sensations with no definition and of tingling toes. In comes the enchanting voices, voices of joy, a soft delight always present, a never ending never ending… song of all hurt leaving my body my mind and my soul. Being replaced by all these melodies, sounds of undeniable harmony and beauty not of my surroundings but within.

The acceptance of no control, of no control; none. If I die now… walking in a cloud in a dream, in a dream… all these faces appear, waiting for me to care and yet no pain, no cares what so ever. My rollercoaster, what a ride, what a ride. I am living, I am living, and I am alive. Peace, faith and love, Peace love faith, faith, love, peace. Shhh… a closing of the eyes, tears run, not of pain not of sadness not of frustration but of joy, of letting go and of learning to live, a gift I never saw a gift I want to keep and preserve.  

iRoN

 I am of iron

 For I am of steel

I feel not your effects

I am not shaken

No one can touch me

No one can move me

Much less you

You don’t know me

I am me

Only I

Make my world

Only I can destruct it

And I will not

To me
You have no destruction to cause here

Watch your words

Karma...

Heart Brake Rebelion Part 2

Okay! So, I have been going through a rough patch, you know that frat boy I was talking about,


Yeah so he left me…  and that's not the thing, the thing is he left to the navy without telling me; so where does that leave us? well I don’t know. See he never told me anything about going to join a Goddamn thing. All of a sudden, unexpectedly I’m told he left to join the navy.

This was his father, I saw my… whatever get on line on his MSN so I think well now I’m going to see what’s going on, because I hadn’t heard from him for days. Therefore, I ask him “what’s going on?” “Are you with another chick?” “I will understand if you would just tell me.” In addition, his father answers me like this. “Its dad and I’ve been with the same chick for 26 years.” I ask him how his son was doing that I have not heard from him in days. He answers, “He is in the navy boot camp and he returns October 31.”

Are you serious? De que out of nowhere how does this pop up.

The thing is that 3 days before this he is telling me, he loved me and he couldn’t wait to be with me. What am o supposed to think? On the other hand, even believe?

I had seen a girl comment on his face book if he had left already, so I asked him where he was going that she asked him that, and he was like “well baby back to PR, I had told her that I was going to move back, but never told her when.” “Okay”, I said, and never brought the subject up again, I thought he might surprise me.

So when was told this I flipped out, I went through denial, complete and total denial of my feelings, of my love for him and the actual effect it did to me. The feeling of abandonment, I went wild. All I could do was get mad.

I did things out of the ordinary just to feel that nothing really ever happened, to see if I could erase him from my heart and from my thoughts. I started to hate him. I was definitely under the influence. Not wanting to come to the reality of what happened I just blew, left, walked, and didn’t want to know, feel or find out. The thing is that I have never been with a man in a serious relationship, if you are following my blog well I’m a very closed off person and I don’t let people in very often and much less the way I did him.

I treated him like a king; to me he was my king at least. He was my new feeling, my awakening to what I could feel for another person. Man! My wall went up at 100 miles per hour. I went on a rampage.

Today I feel like an ass, like I was stupid, I don’t want to put dreams in my head like the “boys” the frats tell me that, “maybe he left to be able to have a steady income so he can give you a better life.” and all that jibber jabber, why wouldn’t he tell me? If that is, what he was doing? Why wouldn’t he tell me his plan? What was he doing with me?

My fit is over I seemed to have gotten it out of my system, but I still feel so much rejection and very abandoned, like he was talking shit to me and just painting a pretty picture. I feel so much lonelier in my bed, even though he never did occupy it. Didn’t really ever have anyone in it. But I guess it’s just the fact that I know I’m alone once again and maybe really don’t want to be it.

So I’m upset, nobody has ever left me like that, or maybe he hasn’t. What am I supposed to do, Wait For what? The 31 of October to come along and he not want me? I’m not a dumb ass and I’m too proud for that.

 

End of session #6

DEFFECT: I have no acceptance of my vulnerability and my true feeling.Closed heart

TASK: I must be rigorously honest with myself and learn to feel what I really feel, say what I really want to say and actually let myself be vulnerable. Open heart no matter what.

Heart Brake Rebelion

How could you leave me?



I was going to be you're everything


I was going to be your love


I would have given you the world


How could you leave?


Leave with no notice


With no sign


How could you do that to me?


When I missed you


When I loved you


When I loved you!


And waiting for you


How could you do that to me...?



I am so hurt,

Has anyone ever told you what happens when you try to comfort a hurt dog?...

They fucking bite you...



I am out of control


Where can I find you?


To, calm my mind


My insecurities


This hate


This rebellion


Before I go out of control...


FuCk YoU! fUcK yOu ! FuCk YoU!

You know me

 what did you think I was going to do?

I miss you...

I cannot believe you left me here

Fuck this

To be continued...

When Angels Deserve To Die - final fantasy VIII - IX

Amor Incondicional

Buenas soy yo nuevamente ;) pues acabo de decidir finalmente hacer este post. Hace 2 días que me llego el tema de practicar el amor. ¿Que pasa que me tarde tanto en escribir? Pues yo no sé practicar el amor, mucho menos no el amor incondicional. Como me dijo mi mentor más temprano en el día. “es bien fácil hablar y pegarte a personas que te caen bien, y con las cuales tu disfrutas de su compañía el amor incondicional es poder amar y entender a alguien que no te cae bien y estar a su lado sin esperar nada a cambio.” También dijo que para él era bien difícil de practicar el amor incondicional.




¿Cual fue el "quote” en mi “Soul Search Readings”



“Al ofrecer amor incondicional… nos convertimos en personas más cariñosas, y al compartir el crecimiento espiritual, nos volvemos mas espirituales.”



Mi naturaleza exacta es cariñosa, pero que pasa con eso?

Yo también soy defensiva, acompleja y guardad. Yo no le doy nada a nadie quien no lo sea igual conmigo y hasta las personas que me quieren y me aman más aun soy mal agradecida egocéntrica y se ser lo más odiosa. Ahora, como yo siendo como soy, que encuentro como practicar el amor si yo lo que tengo es falta de amor por mí misma. ¿Como se supone que yo ame incondicionalmente a otro ser humano?



Amor incondicional es amar a alguien o algo tanto como servirle sin esperar nada a cambio.







Ahora este tema si de veras te pones a pensar con el, tiene tantas capas y tantas viradas y muchas maneras en como cogerlo y por donde, uno no sabe ni cómo empezar.



1. Tengo que ver qué es lo que me hace incapaz de dar amor incondicional.



2. Tengo que ver porque es que yo me odio, o porque estoy con falta de cariño hacia mí.



3. Que puedo hacer para lograr quererme a mí.



4. Mirar que es lo que me lleva a auto destruirme.



¿Y cuál es mi fucking problema?



¿Que es lo que espero de mi? ¿Porque es que nunca llego a complacerme yo?



¿Que es lo que me falta y que necesito tener para poder llegar a ese cariño a mi?



Fácil es amar a mi hija, mi hija es la luz de mis ojos. Todo. Ella sido la única que me dio un sentido de lo que es vida, llegue a tener que buscar un control de mis acciones. Pero si no fuera por mi hija, no quisiera saber que me hubiera pasado. Ahora, ella será el primer paso hacia mi sano juicio? La cual la que ella es mandada de un Poder Superior me la mando para yo salir del patrón de vida que yo llevaba? Pero si eso es… ¿Pues para que me quiso salvar ese Poder Superior?



¿Anyways de que cosa yo me estoy quejando? Yo no quería estar donde estaba, ni quería pasar lo que pase, que tenga resentimientos y que eso me haya marcado por toda la vida pues sí, pero debo de ser agradecida no importa que me haya sacado de eso, sin importar quién me dio en sano juicio, o por lo menos el poquito de sano juicio que adquirido. Mirando todo en esta mentalidad y de este punto de vista, siento un poco más de humildad, siento un poco más de aceptación, quizás hay algo protegiendo y guardando y quizás ni es a mí sino a mi hija.



Veo que debo de abrir mi mente abrir mis pensamientos a algo más allá, que algo puede estar guardándome y mirando mis sufrimientos mis pensamientos mis ridiculeces. Dándome todo lo que necesito siempre. Al sacarme de mis situaciones y de mis problemas y dolores. Al todo pasar, todo empieza y todo termina, lo bueno de lo malo es que pasa, y lo malo de lo bueno es que también pasa.










End of session #5
DEFECT: Cerra de mente, corazón y espíritu, sobre protectora de mis sentimientos y emociones egocéntrica solo pensando en lo que me podría ocurrir a mi si me abro.



TASK: Practicar el amor conmigo y con otros sin esperar nada a cambio.

MAGO DE OZ- FIESTA PAGANA

Religion no es lo mismo que Dios.

Hola! Pues hoy fue un día bien tranquilo como se supone que sean. La cosa es que yo soy la que me creo los problemas, PHUCK! Pero nada la cuestión es que el día fue como todos los días la diferencia fue las actitudes en la cual la lleve y viví.


Esto es un “quote” de un libro en la cual pues me chocó, perdone que no les diga de que libro lo saque, déjenme esa pasar:

“Comenzamos a comprender que el amor de Dios siempre ha estado presente esperando que lo acepte.”

WHAAAAAAAAAT!!?

Oka no es que yo no crea en Dios, o mejor dicho en un Dios… Lo que pasa es que el pensar con esto:

“El amor de Dios es la fuerza transformadora que impulsa nuestra recuperación.”

Oka, otra vez yo no soy una persona muy espiritual por lo menos ya no…? Naaaa nunca lo fui, pero trate.

Estuve de todo un poco, al final de toda la religión a mí no me quería entrar nada y mucho menos me sentía cómoda con ningún tipo de religión. Es más, me sentía hipócrita; quizás eso fue lo que paso? Pues pienso yo que yo leo mucho y pues llegue a tropezarme con información en la cual no había visto antes y pues al final pienso yo que la religión siendo cual quieras escoger es… como podría decir esto sin ser completamente  cabrona?... inventado por el hombre. Y toda religión tiene defectos.

Ahora. El “quote” que se encuentra más arriba, no dice nada de ningún dios en especifico, oka si eres como yo pues eso es algo bueno que hay que mirar. Mi mentor me dijo que no tenía que ser ningún dios en especifico o de ninguna clase de religión si no un Poder Superior a mí y mi condición y pensamientos. So todavía para mí se me hecho difícil. ¿Porque?

1. Al llegar a ver qué me siento como una hipócrita a pedirle lo que sea a un Poder Superior a mi es porque yo lo único que hago últimamente es pelear con él. Para entonces dar la vuelta y decir “bendito ayúdame” es como que estúpido y más si al final no me funciona que me encabrone con el otra vez y le termine gritando “vez que tú no estás aquí!”

2. Okay si empiezo a pedirle a un Poder Superior… ¿Que va ser? Tendría que inventar mi propio dios, y ese es el problema porque inventarme algo que pues no va ser verdadero.

3. Que se joda. ¿Me pongo a pelear y hablar sola hasta que algo que yo pida sea cumplida y empiece a tener fe?

4. ¿Le oro al sol? Ya que para mi tiene más credibilidad porque lo veo?

5. Puedo dejarme de pendejases y pedir solo serenidad y esperar sin importar que dios me conteste o cual es el mecanismo como tal de lo que verdaderamente es un dios.

6.Yo no le tengo ningun dinero para DIOS todos los FUCKING DOMINGOS!!! el diesmoo!! mucho menos. a donde va eso? a los pastores con los mercedes y los niños de 6 años con iphone? pero ellos no trabajan en mas nada mas que en la iglesia, ditoo ellos jamas le quitaran a la iglesia. gente llega en ropa rota y sin comida a la iglesia y ahi vienen y te dicen, "deberias empesar a diesmar." vete pal carajao! y no es tanto eso porque quisas pues eso ayuda okay por "fe" al sacrificio, pero yo no caigo de mamao. Y  cojen y te lo predican dia y noche" la ofrenda", "el diesmo"!! Sacandote lo que tengas.  

Puedo ponerme a pensar en que todo se va a resolver por sí solo. Pero volviendo a la controversia. ¿Porque pedirle a un dios si ellos no se suponen que sepan lo que uno necesita más que uno mismo?

Todo lo sabe, omnipotente etc. etc. Pues para que entonces no decir, “mírame que ya tu sabes, brega conmigo” porque carajo ponerse a pedirle eso es como pues hacerle una lista a Santa. ¿No crees? Si el ser humano no sabe lo mejor para ellos mismo, por eso estamos constantemente buscando algo mas haya que nos diga, es mas ni se sabe el verdadero razón de la vida. Y si se lo saben, ¿porque se lo saben? ¿Como llegaron a entenderlo así? O ¿porque se lo dijeron en la iglesia? O ¿porque les dio la gana de pues decir que es para servir al prójimo? ¿Pero por qué carajo existe el prójimo? ¿Y por qué carajo habrá una lección en la vida? Y si queremos mirar que es para Dios que es que estamos en esta tierra, la realidad es que pues estamos para entretenerlo. Yo no soy lo suficiente humilde como para entretener a nadie, mucho menos pedirle ayuda a la persona a quien tengo que “servir” como quiere que sea y mucho menos de payasa.

Ahora yo pienso que yo estoy peleada con mi Poder Superior y pues necesito a llegar a un arreglo con él o ella, lo que sea. Y la cuestión es qué pues solo por ahora tengo que respirar y no tener que pensar en quien creerle ni a que ni el porqué solo buscar ese amor en la cual me puedo recostar hasta que yo me ame y pues seguir hacia delante y recopilar información y en verdad creer y pensar en lo que me ayude no en controversia y quien tiene la razón.

Quizás algunos que otros están preguntándote; Para qué carajo te vas a poner esto en tu lista o tan si quiera traerlo al tema?, Si estas tan en contra el pensamiento de Dios. Bueno porque la esencia de toda religión es para llegar a traerse paz y placer a la vida del ser humano. Porque el ser humano busca de un dios? Para poder sentir seguridad en su vida. So para yo poder buscar esa paz en la cual tanto busco hay que buscarlo en todos lados. No lo hare con ninguna religión si no por la que yo me inventado. Si yo misma me inventado una religión en la cual yo pienso que es THE SHIET! En la cual lo posteare también.

End of session #4

DEFECT: Actitudes de indiferencia y intolerancia hacia principios espirituales.

TASK: aceptar el amor de un Poder Superior en mi vida. Hacerme consiente de la orientación y la fortaleza de ese Poder Superior dentro de mí.

¿Cuál es el problema en beber!?

Ayer salí con un grupo de amistades el pase súper, pero ya ustedes saben la situación en la cual me encuentro. Que estoy buscando ayuda y paz interior, porque? Porque duele estar molesta y en la depresión en La cual me encuentro. Pues cual es el problema con salir? Pues encuentro yo el problema no es salir, el problema es en el estado que uno sale y a donde uno va. Y porque eso sería un problema? Porque uno tiende hacer cosas estúpidas en ese estado de ánimo, yo por lo menos tiendo hacer, cualquier cosa para salir o para que me saque de mis sentimientos y desviar mis pensamientos.


El consumo del alcohol es uno, ahora yo se que el alcohol no es lo mejor para mi, por mi condición. (Mi enfermedad) ahora yo no quiero sentir verdad? So, que me pongo hacer? A beber en exceso a joder y hablar de mas, básica mente pichando y almacenando para un día explotar en la cual pues gracias a Dios no lo hecho. Entonces yo me tengo que recordar que a mi; enserio, no me gusta cometer errores ni estupideces porque no luzco bien 1 y 2 porque es un golpe a mi dignidad, en la cual al practicar el método de bebe lata pues pierdo la dignidad y todo respeto hacia mí misma.

Ejemplo: El otro día le dije a un amigo mío que me avía puesto a beber el y yo antes pues hacíamos ciertos desarreglos juntos y él me dijo porque no me llamaste para poder metértelo tu estando borracha.

Ahora… mira lo que pasa, si yo siendo una mujer inteligente pues se que el alcohol es u depresivo, para qué carajo si yo quiero salir de la depresión en la cual me encuentro porque carajo me pongo a beber alcohol. Sabiendo que no me resolvería nada solo seguir con la autoestima baja y buscando… nada.

Entonces yo castigándome hoy pero a la vez no, me cruza este reporte en el MSN:



Neomundo para Periodismo.com, Actualizado: 03/08/2010

Una de cada 25 muertes es causada por el abuso de alcohol

Investigadores canadienses del Centro para la Adicción y Salud Mental presentaron un trabajo en la revista médica The Lancet con duros datos globales: 1 de cada 25 muertes son directamente atribuibles al consumo de alcohol. Es un aumento desde el año 2000, debido al aumento en el número de mujeres que beben.

www.neomundo.com.ar

okay so ALCOHOL + ME= SHITFACE

Dime tu, me doy un brakesito a ver si es el alcohol la cual me da esta ingobernabilidad? Anyways la pura realidad es q estoy obsesionando sobre el pensamiento y no puedo disfrutar nada de nada. Por la cual pues voy a tomar la decisión de darme ese break ya que puede ser también el consumos de alcohol.

End of session #3




DEFFECT: No acepto las responsabilidades de mis problemas y veo que soy igualmente responsable de las soluciones.

TASK: Acepto la responsabilidad de mi vida y mis soluciones.

The Grateful List: exercise from session #2

Things I am grateful for:


1. Breathing

2. Waking up with another chance to make things right

3. My baby girl

4. Being the person that I am

5. The ability to do what I want to do

6. The learning process of being the most important person in my life

7. Having a place to sleep (awesome place to sleep)

8. Having a family that loves me even though we are all defective.

9. For the green of the trees

10. The blue of the sky

11. The clouds that rain

12. The wind that blows

13. Music

14. Instruments

15. Voices

16. Melodies

17. Love

18. Hate

19. Passion

20. Controversy

21. Friends

22. Lovers

23. Haters

24. Paper

25. Internet

26. Beauty

27. Ugly

28. Animals

29. Intelligence

30. Sounds

31. Silences

32. Cultures

33. Beliefs

34. Colors



       This was a very big eye opener to me making this list made me look at what was good in life and even come to appreciate the bad, because at the end all that’s good wouldn’t be known as good or as special if it wasn’t for the bad. At least that is the way I see it. All of a sudden I could not stop being grateful for what is around me. Definitely feeling a very good vibe from it.

Sessión #2

Your creative muse could be on fire today, making it easier for you to think outside the box. Being able to see a different way of doing the same thing might spark in you a desire to share your ideas with others. This may be a good time to further enhance and develop your ability to approach things differently. This way, your novel ideas become an integral part of your life by retraining your mind to view the world in a different light. A simple way to accomplish this is to do things that are different from your habitual way, such as using your nondominant hand instead of your dominant hand or taking an alternate route to work today. Altering your routine in some way can create new connections in your mind, which can make it easier to come up with imaginative and original ideas.


Making an effort to change the way we think and exist in the world infuses our ideas with greater creativity. If we go about our everyday habits in the usual way, we can easily become mired in the same thoughts and approach to our lives. Changing even one small part of our lives, however, frees us from the limitations that bind us and paves the way for a more open, receptive, and innovative way of seeing things. Working to retrain your mind today will help you look at the world with fresh eyes and transform your ideas into inspired works of creativity //horoscope@dailyom.com//

That was my horoscope for today.

It frustrate me… the spirituality or the idea of it, maybe it’s not even that it’s is more that fact that the person that wrote it thinks he has all the answer to everyone “B.S.”

Anyway, the thing that gets me more is that obviously its good vibes and good suggestions I mean why call it a horoscope. Why just not say, “when a certain situation comes across or happens you should approach the matter in this state of mind” like a suggestion page. Yeah that’s it! A suggestion page.

Anyway, yesterday I went to some help group meeting witch I have gone for 18 months now ad it was good I had a good time it was in another city so I felt right at home lol.

I’m looking for all the help I can get the thing with me is that I do things for everybody else’s acceptance and love, like for example I started studying to be a an arcatect because my father wanted me too, all that did was frustrate me. The worst thing you could do to yourself is what everybody else wants and expects him or her to love you for it. So in that process of coming to learn that I have to go back to what I want to do and not what my parents want me to do. Oh another example, witch h really gets to me: my mother is a full blown Christian and she wants me to go to like a retreat, it’s like dude, I don’t want to go over there to fuck your weekend up and waist money clapping my hands together and waiving them around to something I don’t believe In. I mean don’t get me wrong I believe in God just not the one that says that you’ll go to hell if you don’t accept my son, but then he will go around and say that he love you but your going to suffer till the end of time if you don’t believe in Jesus. I mean, HELLO! Anyways that is another subject; I’m just going to go to be all pissed of there while she tries to get a connection with her belief of what God is, but Jesus! I’m not going to go there for my birthday weekend I don’t care, it’s my Goddamn b-day but whatever, that’s she talks about now. In addition, that is fine just don’t push it on me. She says that I was the one that took her to God, remember, “THE DRUG STAGE” yeah, it got that bad.

Anyways my mentor inn this help group gave me some questions to answer, which helped me get some major crap off my chest.

One was; what is it about my thoughts or what goes on in my head that I find unhealthy? DUDE you know how much I had to write? Literally, I got a cramp. Cuz it is in a notebook not the computer.

I feel a lot better today though I went to my voice lesson today, I love to sing and I felt a lot brighter and lighter, I was told that I just have to be honest and let things go were ever I can and just get things off my chest. Therefore, since my vocal instructor was new ad young I got her and told her how pissed everything made me. And just all that but I expressed it different cuz know it was funny to me how mad I got and all the B.S that really pisses me off it was just funny now. Like, my dad said, “X come over here, we have to talk.” He stars going over some B.S over the light and how many “watts” etc. etc. I was like shut the FUCK UP I don’t fucking care dot you see I am in the middle of something! But I didn’t say anything and just said okay dad , but can I say that it hurt me, being quiet… sucked cuz I wanted to explode but I started laughing because it was just so stupid to me and my dad is always like that, “full of shit.” Lol

The whole thing is that I changed my way of thinking for a couple of instances and the way of doing things and it didn’t kill me or anything. The bad part of that is actually holding my tong and just letting shit pass. My whole ordeal is that I don’t want to keep my mouth shut because I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of fighting too, so… with deep pain in my very soul, I’m just going to have to accept the fact that there are things that I don’t like in this world and things I don’t want to hear, and remind myself of what I want to do and not what is wanted or expected from me. Because it is my life and I am the only one that can make it mean something ad it doesn’t have to mean anything to anybody else because it only has to mean something to me. What’s the point in living if you’re going to be miserable. I’m the only person that can truly make me happy, I just have to find the way how to.

End of session #2



Assignment for the day:

DEFFECT: I tend to see only in what doesn’t come out as I expected it to and I ignore the beauty of life and all its possibilities.

TASK: Today I will make a list of spiritual and material things in which I am great full.

NOT ALONE! SHHHH…

I’m here;

I’m quiet;

it's quiet... I want...DoN’+ bE sC@RdE

I can hear the silence shrieking at me , speaking to me...

I can't, I can’t say!;

its clearer then...I’m sorry...

I feel;

I see;

I can’t breathe my chest ways heavy, I can’t move,



the stillness caresses me violating my everything

leave me, leave me alone..."SHHH"...

it has no limits, "I HAVE NO BOUNDRIES"

it won’t stop, it’s never started , it's always been; "I'VE ALWAYS BEEN"

Don’t,

stop, stop...

_______________________________________________________

I’m safe here;

in my little world

no one can hurt me here,

shhhhh...

Intro...

Hello, I am “Anonymous” I am invisible and yet I seem to become the center of attention. You can call me by “Hollow” today, all depends what personality I am.


Today I guess I am “Hollow” she is the one that really doesn’t give a shit.

This blog is going to be about insecurities codependency; failure and success, fear and balls; how cruel one’s own thoughts can be and the awful truth of mine and how I really am my own worst enemy.

Where can I begin? ... I am a 25 year old, blond, blue eyed, single mother living back at home again with my family for the first time in a long time. My child is a product of my “X” husband rapping me one night thinking he was going to keep me around if he impregnated me. I guess he was wrong; the fucked up part is that he still thinks he has a chance. He is a crack head so I am just going to blame it on the drugs... most of the time. That’s another story we’ll probably get into later on in this blog relationship. I am a college student, I have a good grades and I’m keeping them I’m studying International Business… I am a bad ass . I am also president of my sorority, in other words, I am in charge of stupid bitches that don’t do shit… a bunch of followers that think everything is done like magic, and “why do they think this?” you might ask! It’s because I tend to do it all for them. I have a long distance relationship with a frat boy it’s not easy, especially since I’m no good in serious relationships. I have a small business with my younger sister teaching kids to swim meaning I make “0” dollars. I have a low bullshit tolerance level remember that It means, “I am not a BITCH!” it’s just a reaction to stupid shit. My father is a politician and a very busy man. He thinks he deserves the world and especially, his family to kiss his ass and yet seems to have the time to talk to the world, no time to talk to us. He has no clue who I am he also used to kick my ass. Thinking it would make me stronger witch in fact only made me hate him more. The thing is up until now I’ve been trying to be whatever he wants me to be. Then I went through a rebellious stage, the one where I would definitely get his attention, the DRUG stage! After that, it was back to doing whatever daddy wanted... not anymore. I really couldn't give a shit anymore. This game of being something or someone I'm not is what's KILLING! me. You most likely are thinking that I am a little rich girl that gets everything she wants and has “daddy issues,” and you’re right on the “daddy issue” part… MAJOR! “DADDY ISSUES” What I have I buy from Wal-Mart or steel it from there… So finally yet importantly I am also an ADDICT with multiple personalities and bipolar! In addition, this is what I have to deal with everyday of my life one at a time. Therefore, I’m going to be writing about me witch I think, being the egotistical and honest person I am seems interesting to me.

Who am I? Who really gives a shit?

Well we will find out now.

I am not an active addict, not right now at least… I’ve been in recovery for 18 months I recently relapsed Saturday it was an act of desperation and the only way I knew to grab attention and the only thing it did for me was piss me off because I had to come to agreement and acceptance that I am an addict. But its okay, I learned a lot from it, that is one of my biggest defects I don’t learn unless I get hit really hard. It was about time too. I’ve been suffering.

I use to mutilate myself I would hit myself, cut myself, burn myself etc. I’ve always been suicidal as well and the thing is that I noticed all I want is attention you know?

I’m a very smart girl, very creative, very social one of the popular ones I guess, a real “go-getter”. Whatever you know what I mean. However, there is always another side to things that nobody really gets to see or really understand me; and it is that I HATE and I’m full of HATE and I resent and I have sarcasm issues and I am getting this in the wrong ways. Therefore, I've decided to create this blog, to write it out! What I really feel when I talk to people, when people talk to me, this is more like an inside look of y mind and what goes through it on a daily basis.

What’s going on with me? I can’t stand anyone, and everyone seems stupid and slow but not just regular stupid… like incredibly stupid. I’m feeling depressed I feel like hurting myself and that no one understands me and I really don’t want to explain myself to anyone, I just want to say what I want to say and that’s it. Take it how you want it.

Therefore, you will me my psychologists this is where I’m going to vent and spew all of my crap. Maybe we will learn something, maybe we won’t. These are my blogging sessions.

End of session #1