So quiet… nobody is watching me. I see no one, but me.
I love the sound of silence, just coming to the understanding that I love the sound of it, and am completely comfortable with it. When the feeling of insight and of enlightenment come over me, what could this actually be? Serenity, That is what it is I guess, this is harmony?
I am finally learning to let go, let things actually happen. Everything has a reason, so be it. I am tired of fighting and of caring. The obsession of having control over everything, over everyone. Acting as if I were my own personal god. I could not give myself this peace. I would have never been able to do that not for me, much less anyone else especially with the little effort I put in, the little that I have done for it. I can actually close my eyes and just listen to the birds chirping and my breaths going in and out, in and out.
Not wanting this moment to end, this solidarity or this individuality, I am not going to think of anyone else. Unreal to having this calm, this calm. Not talking to myself but with my selves, all my individuals, keeping each one in control, in her place, no fighting, at last, I am not trying to kill myself for this one moment this instance. The quiet all around, my hushed mind, everyone is tame and letting me heal, heal. The wounds I have been bleeding from since a young girl. This temporary sanity giving me opportunity to see hear and sleep, to be. Be I and only I with no more company. No aliens in my head, no sounds of screaming, no hate no spitting, no vomit; my image has a reflection now. I am mostly free, I feel free, for now. Will my insanity ever catch up to me? Will it remember me? Remember that I am here, Waiting, expecting it to return, with not a flinch or twitch in my body.
I am invincible. I am a powerhouse I am of a lord I feel a soul. I feel real. My characters all bottled up, finally giving me a chance to breath. To hear and to see everything for the first time without all that noise, all that noise. All I can hear a magical key board in the background. In a far distance, guitars and beats on a drum tie in, its sounds of freedom, of angle flowing spirits of sensations with no definition and of tingling toes. In comes the enchanting voices, voices of joy, a soft delight always present, a never ending never ending… song of all hurt leaving my body my mind and my soul. Being replaced by all these melodies, sounds of undeniable harmony and beauty not of my surroundings but within.
The acceptance of no control, of no control; none. If I die now… walking in a cloud in a dream, in a dream… all these faces appear, waiting for me to care and yet no pain, no cares, no cares. My rollercoaster, what a ride, what a ride. I am living, I am living, and I am alive. Peace, faith and love, Peace love faith, faith, love, peace. Shhh… a closing of the eyes, tears run, not of pain, not of sadness, not of frustration but of joy, of letting go and of learning to live, a gift I never saw, a gift I want to keep and preserve.
