muerte hermosa

Gracias doy q los pensamientos sean silencioso

No quiero sentir ni ver las realidades que rodean

Quisiera parar de vivir

Suicidio seria mucho esmero

Sino que Dios decida que ya no debo de existir

Que ya mi existencia es innecesaria

Y q simplemente deje de respirar

Y flote sobre nubes de colores y canciones

Que llenen y canten mi melancolía

q voces angélicas acaricien mis llagas no vistas

q me las curen con su saliva y besen mis ojos sellados

Que traigan paz a mi corazón

Calma a mi espíritu turbada

Me bauticen en las sangres de dioses

Me saquen los adentros contaminados

Que llueva lluvia de acido

Que queme toda impureza

Que consuma todo mi dolor

Refresque y limpie el olor a piel muerta

De residuos de muerte y hambre

De dolor y aflicción

Llévame ya mi Dios

Que ni para matarme sirvo

dont let anything affect you, you are the most important person

“We want to look our past in the face, see it for what it really was, and release it so we can live today.”

Yes, this is exactly what I want to do I have no Idea where to start.

What has been going on with me lately is that I have been going through a mini crisis.
Emotional it’s been happening for about 3 days,and all I have been wanting to do is hurt my self, I feel like cutting myself and burning my skin. I really don’t feel emotionally stable it’s been a rollercoaster of feelings, one minute I am laughing another minute I am wanting to commit suicide or just nick at my skin fiscally hurt myself.

I have been praying a lot all I want to do is shake it off, but I have also put into consideration that maybe it’s just bottled up emotions that I haven’t gotten out.

I have one problem, I am mad and I cannot stand anyone and not even myself. I have to get things off my chest, I have to be alone and stop looking for things to get my mind off my shit, and look at them in the face. Where do I start? Do I even have the balls to do so? I have to do this urgently if I want to get over this hill.

This morning my father confronted me in a manner like he wanted to fight, he got up in my face and I hadn’t really done anything to him I was on my way out to go to school, what did I do? I said I was sorry. Mind you, I had done nothing but walk away from the situation. He was just looking for a fight, the one I did not want to have. In addition, when I got in the car all I wanted to do was die. I almost didn’t get to school, I was either going to commit suicide or stick a needle in my arm. The things that happen between my father and me always affect me and it brings my bitch out you know? However, I am different now and I have to practice this new way of life.

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and knowledge to know the difference.

God come to me and give me peace, I thank you for all I have, please do not let me mess this all up over stupidity. I love you because even though I don’t see you I know you hear me and even though sometimes I don’t feel you there I still wait for you, thank you for letting me express myself as I have to to get through the day and understanding me when no one else does.

DEFFECT:  Self-inflicting pain looking for an escape, no confront.

TASK: make a list of things that are causing me harm, look at what I am doing wrong, just for today focus on getting better and forget about everything else God is in control.  I do not have to be controlled by my past.  I will live this new day as the new person I am becoming.

How do I Stop?

I seem to be bored, and the sucking part about that is I am the person that always says that if your bored it's becuase your boring, so I am kind of kicking myself in the ass for that.

So all I did this weekend was go to my groups and go to the movies one of them was dope and the other 2 well just what ever a waist of money. So I was really proud of myself when I got though saterday without using anything, i was clean a whole week, I mean the thing is that, Okay so I have been drinking every once in a while, then it turned into every weekend then it was more day in the week as well, then i was taking a couple of drags of some weed and it stopped there but and maybe I have things more under control now but...I'm still not happy.
I still keep hiding from something, and those are my actual feelings of being alone and actually feeling those feelings. I mean, I'm told to change people, places and things and I just keep getting into the same shit. Then I'm told to just, take it easy and it's like... I just don't feel like I can do it you know?
But I haven't lost faith, I mean one day I'll get it right, right?
I can't keep hitting myself over the head if every once in a while I fuck up. But I do have to take into consideration that I can't seem to stop myself or hold myself back, and that I am playing with fire. I mean today, I am not selling myself and I live at home with my family I take care of my duaghter and I am a responsible student and I have a part time job I go to recovery groups and I look for help and my thoughts tell me "x"you do so much you can have a couple of drinks with your friends and you can chill and have fun, but when I say this to myself I forget about the dick that was put in my face a couple a weeks ago for me to suck, totaly out of the blue and why? it was just one of those days I said okay! I going out, and yet again I put myself in that situation. TO BE CONTINUED... GOT CLASS


What ever it is its not fun when things like this happen, it is the weekend again and I have been at home just relaxing I'm alright with that today.

DEFFECT: Doing the same things expecting deferent results.
TASK: today I will do things defferently and see how things go defferently for me.

VIAJOSA

Hay veces que quisiera saber que Dios tiene planeado para mí. Es por curiosidad y por desespera, y por egocéntrica. Quiero hacer todo lo que quiero hacer.  Quisiera irme de viaje e irme por el mundo a ver las culturas y vivir punto, en otro mundo que no sea mi realidad ahora.

La realidad… quisiera viajar por todo el mundo como "BAD ASS" y así nunca tener casa fija como tal sino casas y viajar a cada rato. Si, voy a necesitar casas por mi hija. Pero llega ser por mí, viajo sin nada más que la mochila y par de pesos hasta donde me llegue. Cuando me canse de un lugar coger arrancar y quedarme en otro lugar. ¿Porque será esto? Yo me canso muy fácil, quiero algo que me de una sensación de… Algo nuevo fuera de lo normal. Yo lo que quisiera es viajar y escribir y leer y estar con mi hija. Criarla y sumergirla en todas las culturas que pueda.

Me pongo triste porque lo veo como si fuera algo imposible en la cual no alcanzara, pero esa soy yo con mis pensamientos negativos, yo sé no hacerme caso y algún día me doy por lo menos un viaje a un lugar donde yo siempre querido ir.

Cambiando el tema completamente;

Todavía siento esos momentos de soledad. Pienso en que hubiera pasado etc. etc. So yo borre número de teléfono, todo mensaje y cada cosa que me pudiera hacer que recaiga en un circulo vicioso por atención y cojer luchas porque no me aprecian. So fuck him, yo no quiero llamar, es otra forma de humillarme y no lo voy hacer. Yo soy linda, inteligente, responsable no soy celosa y soy fun loving, ese carbón y ningún carbón que no me sabe apreciar no me merece.

Volviendo a pues el tema;

Si quisiera irme, irme lejos de todo y volver cuando guste.

DEFECTO: insegura, y quiero huir.  

TASK: asegurarme de quien soy recordándome lo que soy una y otra vez busca algo q este a la mano para hacer, ir al cine ir para una reunión, leer, darme un baño frio etc., y hacer cambio de pensamiento y de hacer las cosas.