Getting tools

Okay so it's up to me to get better, to regain my sanity and control. That's clear to me, no one is or should be more concerned to reach this goal more then I.
I am writing to you from my cel-phone, I am at a clinic for mental health, this is also where they have my group meetings, I have come today because I found myself lost this last weekend and found myself calling the help line on the back of my medical plan card. In reality I was in the session with this doctor and explaining to her my life and my situations, and I felt her listening and at the end of it all she took me to the other room to get a date for a session with a psychologist... FOR THE 26 OF JANUARY and that's isn't really the idea that I had of what "help" is. I mean I feel like hurting myself and cutting myself and holding this urge of doing so because I don't want to.
After all of this I am sitting and looking at the date and thinking of God, and I asked him to give me reason, to help me, and I wrote to him asking him and thanking him I feel like a little girl that can't seem to speak for herself because I want to make this date earlier and faster then what it is and yet I just can't bring myself to ask for this help, I am very nervous and yet still just trusting in God to just help me, all I want is to drop to the floor and cry, and just feel paralyzed.
So my friend that receives treatment here as well has become my mediator and has spoken for me to get this process of receiving help faster, what can I say about this. I feel ashamed and embarrassed by the fact that I am so broken right now that I can't speak for myself, the same thing happens with everything lately and everyone, I just can't seem to get anything out without feeling like I will go to far.
I have to catch this before it goes too far, I have attained too much for it to just fall to the ground and turn to dust, I WANT MY BABY GIRL TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY WITH A HAPPY AND HEALTHY MOTHER!!! I'm not fucking around, my emotions are in total control and are making my life almost impossible to move forward.


To be continued...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Okay so I was there all day and the thing is that I still do not know what the fuck that was for, they gave me a prescription and sent me off with another date to come in and see the psychologist. I think I would rather because honestly the drugs don’t work!!

DEFFECT: not believing in myself to get through a normal process of life everybody goes through.

TASK: shut up and do what you got to do, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.