A mi entender todos tenemos problemas, situacioes y defectos, y en este blog pues estoy sacando los mios para poder hacer ... vamos a llamarlo un "inventario moral" y cojer control de lo que yo llamo "pensamientos enfermisos". Tambien me da la oportunidad de poner mis pensamientos en orden. Este blog es bien personal y bien sincero y se puede decir controvercial. No voy a estar aguantando mis cosas por dentro,



"somos tan enfermos como nuestros secretos."

This is where I am going to speak truths of my feelings. There will be a series of my poems and daily thoughts. A project on how to find inner peace or the processes one goes through to receive it. We will see if it even gets to the point of ever finding that inner peace, a soul search I guess. One that could practically kill me knowing the angry and resentful person I am..





lunes, 28 de noviembre de 2011

cuento corto pero muy real en mi = La Ultima Llamada


LA ÚLTIMA LLAMADA

Ella, con tanto amor que le tenía a su primo: Se criaron juntos, tuvieron la misma edad, hacían sus maldades en conjunto desde pequeños. Una vez se treparon en unas sillas acabado de comprar, su abuela histérica porque eran blancas y tenían los pies enfangados. Los primos muertos de la risa. ¿Malos? No, solo traviesos. Hacían de todo unidos, uña y carne, brincando y saltando. Al crecer ellos cogieron su primera borrachera juntos, sus papas los pillaron pero ellos como siempre recibieron sus regaños aun fuertes, se pegaron nuevamente y todo riza.

De adultos seguían saliendo, inseparables uno del otro, llegaron hasta convivir. Él le espantaba los novios a ella y la chica también odiaba las novias de él y hacia lo mismo, luego como siempre se reían. Ellos sí, quizás problemáticos pero no malos, vivían haciendo y deshaciendo de las cosas, de las situaciones y de la vida y luego, su mal de risas.

Él un día no la incluyo porque no la quería metía en nada de eso. Él comenzó a salir con un grupo de amistades que ella había visto antes y sabía que no eran las mejores personas para su primo juntarse.  Le dijo que estaba preocupada y que no le gustaba lo que estaba pasando con él.  El pobre se le sonrió y le dijo que no fuera metía y que no se preocupara. La chica le devolvió la sonrisa y le dijo que estaba bien.

Aun ellos eran cercanos, pero por el cambio de su primo su querida primita se tuvo que separar. Ella pasó por situaciones dolorosos y cantazos de la vida, pero el siempre aparecía y respondía por ella. La riza ya no estaba, cada vez él se veía peor y ella se sentía más abandonada y preocupada por él.
Comenzaron las llamadas hacia ella diciéndole: “te han matado tu primo”, su corazón siempre se frisaba, ella con desespero lo llamaba a su celular. Él le contestaba tranquilo. Ella le decía: “¿me dijeron que te mataron?” Fueron tantas las llamadas que él le respondía: “¿¡otra vez!?” se reían, se decían que se amaban, se contaban lo que había de nuevo y luego enganchaban.


Le llego la última llamada: “Mataron a Víctor!” “¿¡que!?” “¡Me dicen que mataron a Víctor!” “¡Deja el juego! ¿Tú sabes lo que me estás diciendo?” Algo le decía a Giani que esta vez era diferente. Con un taco en la garganta y temblando, llama a su primo. No contesto, sus ojos se llenaron de lágrimas. Ella volvió a intentarlo, no hubo contestación. Ella desesperada, llamo a su tía, la madre de Víctor, “¿Titi?” le dijo bien suavecito buscando una confirmación a la pregunta que temía ser preguntar con miedo que fuera cierto, no quería saber, necesitaba saber y lo único que escucho del otro lado del teléfono fue el llanto de su tía.  Giani le pregunto con fuerza: “¡Donde!” Su tía débilmente le dijo: “en el caserío”. Giani, sin pensar como le vaya a afectar, llego ahí con el corazón en la garganta, agitada y su cuerpo brincando. No la dejaron pasar de las cintas de la escena del crimen, pero ella lo veía. No lo reconocía aun sabía que era él y ella solo pensaba que no se iban a reír más después de hoy. Que esta era la última llamada.     

martes, 26 de julio de 2011

Bull Shit

When I look at you
I can’t seem to see why I ever came to know you in the first place
How you even came to hold my attention

It is obvious that I cannot stand the sight of you, let alone the sound of your voice
Yet you seem to not be able to have enough of my mistreating words

As you tell me you love me for the hundredth time since you commenced this conversation
All I can express is my limitless indifference, a rolling of the eyes and a quiet yawn before telling you to fuck off again.
Still finding myself dumbfounded by what could it have been that caught my attention in the first place to find ourselves in this pointless predicament?
I cannot believe I have done this to myself, what was I ever thinking 

jueves, 21 de julio de 2011

Me encontre hablando con mis panties

Me encontré hablando con mis panties…

Llevo tiempo, desde mi niñez pensando que no soy igual que los demás. Mis padres buscaron ayuda, primero porque era muy ingobernable. Segundo pues más de la misma mierda. Desde nena me recuerdo cuando hablaba sola en el patio vasto de mi casa, era un mundo enorme para mí, y pues para esa edad era normal que pues haya ese tipo de juego. De fantasía y juegos de mentiras. 

Luego seguía entrando en edad también me encontraba sola en mi cuarto  bailando, cantando imaginándome el escenario de cuando yo fuera famosa o extremadamente popular esa parte pues llega a un poquito mas de lo que me gustaría expresar, recuerdo tocarme por primera vez y también era como si estuviera con otra persona u otras personas

El tiempo pasaba y yo me ocupe de mis cosas y diario vivir. Aun siempre me encontré haciendo el escenario en mi cabeza, quizás hasta haciendo los gestos en el espejo, practicando como hice toda la vida, en la manera que me saliera mis reacciones.

Me pongo a recatar en estos momentos de mi vida pues porque esta mañana me encontré hablando con mis panties. Le hablado a mi cuerpo y le hablado a objetos. Porque veré esto tan raro hoy. Quizás es por el egocentrismo, quizás es porque pienso que nadie me entiende. 

Al verlo pues no me preocupa porque estoy consciente que lo hago y si puede ser medio raro. Pero me pongo a mirar que quizás yo no soporto la mayoría de las estupideces que realmente la gente tiene que decir. Son predecibles y muy pendejos o déjame decirlo a su gusto que sea más socialmente aceptable “sentimentales y/o emocionales” Bull Shit…

Pero si venido a la conclucion que quizás es porque puedo tener una conversación con mis panties y que mis panties no me digan nada, no me den una excusa barata y no me vengan con babosería. Y si, soy completamente egocéntrica porque realmente no me da la gana escuchar a nadie la mayoría del tiempo. Porque se lo que van a decir, porque siempre es lo mismo y porque no me llama la atencion, si quiero drama yo me lo creo sola, y pues el drama que yo creo es entre mis panties y yo.

domingo, 17 de julio de 2011

My God

When Jesus walked along my side I did not feel afraid, for I was nothing but invisible and was not seen for all his glory was too bright. And God says that he has sent his only son to relieve us of sin, yet we call ourselves Gods children. Does my lord hear me as I speak to him? Does he love me as he loved Jesus?
My father and provider is all mighty and loving, there is no power or grace bigger or more abundant.
I love my God.
 I do not understand the teachings of man upon my God, I find him mysterious and no one really knows. All I know is that he sees me, he loves me, and he listens to me. Not because man preaches this but because I can feel him.
No man can tell me the works of my God and why they are so. For no one has sat and discussed the whys of his works to have the ability to do so. They may show use their faith in him and the ability to live as he would rather, because good is good and evil is evil in any language, any culture, it is common sense. It is knowledge of the heart, what is to be seen as right and what is to be seen as wrong.
Glad I am that our race has come to the agreement that there is a higher power looking upon us. But may none tell me what to believe, because every teaching is better than the next. 
Let me love all for who they are, let me respect each for their beliefs, let mine flow as life makes me grow. For I know there is a God and he has blessed me and I have learned to love him only by experience.

jueves, 14 de julio de 2011

Letter from the dead

Once upon a time, I was alive. And as I lived I forgot of God. I remember that I could only see what I had not, what would be or could be. Not what was. I was a miracle, it was beautiful and I was blessed.
I sat outside alone, I could not speak, my thoughts, my emotions, my sentiment, my heart. Not to anyone, not even God himself. All that could come of my mouth was please, thank you and why?
My reality’s not yet seen by me I pull hot air, smoke from my cigarette, once, twice, a third time as I sat in the dark with the cool dirt under me and the warm humid air and night sky surrounding me. Hoping that the lump in my throat would disintegrate along with the ashes I tap off the tip of that useless cigarette. Thinking of a day that all would be alright. Would I have it all? Does that exist? If anything would be enough to bring me joy and an accomplished feeling over me. Thinking of success and pride.
I wished for the lump in my throat would stop choking me. How? If I had no way of expression, no accomplishments to show for yet. All is empty to me.
Yes, I won awards for one thing and another, yes I have everything I need and a lot of things I want. Are these things what will bring me happiness?
I finish my cigarette and find I still have that dreadful lump that won’t let me swallow. The anxiety that took my peace manifesting itself physically.
I wanted to cry, to feel some sort of release, my mind, body and spirit needed that liberation, yet my tears did not come forth. I could not shed a tear. My anger and hatred and frustration did not let me. My heart was as hard as a rock.
I have cried of rage, sadness and desperation yet it seemed as though the same body, mind, and spirit that needed that cleansing that only a soft weep could bring, seemed to be tired, and did not want to do anything with any feeling. I could not bring myself to see the matter, where this depression could have come from and why. I couldn’t cry, dispute, not smile nor remain silent.
I came to the realization that I have felt so much in so many levels throughout this lifetime although short, not too long at all; I obtained every emotion a woman, a human could endure.  I realize now, too late that my life was perfect; every minute was a joy and a celebration of life. Every minute gone by made me who I was. My only problem was myself and my thoughts.
The truth.
That I had fought through so much to see that I had it all and it was beautiful and that I hated myself, I thought I had to be better,  good wasn’t good enough.
Now what? I have passed on, leaving a beautiful life behind and never being able to see it, to appreciate it. Now what? Die with the regret that I never lived it? How do I rest in peace, knowing I never found it living? Knowing I could have been happy, knowing that it’s gone and lost and I cannot do it over.
There is only one life; every minute counts you must appreciate it and live it, not survive it. In the end, you will die anyways so there is no survival worth while, if not life, nothing.

domingo, 26 de junio de 2011

Esta Ma~ana:




Esta mañana no fue como cualquier otra. Me levante pensando, ¿“cómo me defino?”. Es quizás una pregunta que me hago muy a menudo, pero a la misma vez, no tanto. ¿Porque? Bueno me encontrado con nuevos motivos, o ni tanto nuevos motivos, mejor dicho nuevos ánimos. Me encontrado últimamente completamente dispuesta a esperar mi tiempo, o tiempo de todo, o como dirían los religiosos, “el tiempo de Dios.”

Me siento en paz en muchos aspectos de mi vida, solo porque luchado tanto en contra de las mareas que casi me ahogo y me mato en los intento. Aprendido de la forma que aprendemos muchos, POR EXPERECIA PROPIA!
Y de tal manera me dado mejor conocimiento de la persona que soy hoy.

Sé que me falta mucho por conocer, y es hasta un poco intimidante pero si llegado hasta aquí, lo más probable mi Poder Superior me ayudado. Porque la cruel realidad es que soy completamente terca, cabecidura y obsesiva, compulsiva y muy complicada y no pude haber hecho nada de esto sola y mucho menos por pura suerte, porque tampoco la tengo tan buena que digamos.

So, Para llegar a lo que iba: Para definirme yo, tendría que conocerme. Que es exactamente lo que me gusta, lo que me llena, la manera en que yo mejor funciono, en qué manera yo puedo iluminar mis virtudes y hacerlos brillar, y cuidadosamente ver y trabajar mis defectos.

Quizás les estoy tirando con mucho a la vez, y lo más probable soy la única que sabe de lo que estoy hablando, pero a la vez se que esto aplicaría con quien sea y con lo que sea.

Yo quiero definirme para cumplir mi profesión, mis sueños y mi pasión. Quizás esto le funcione en otro aspecto de su vida.

 Esto fue lo que leí hoy:

“RENUNCIAR A LA TERQUEDAD

<< A medida que comprendemos lo que es el significado verdadera de entrega, nuestros temores disminuyen y la fe empieza a crecer. Ya no lucharemos contra el miedo, la ira, la culpa, la autocompasión ni la depresión. >>

Con esto mismo yo me pude identificar. No más porque esta semana me podido soltar de muchas cosas q es obvio yo no le tengo control.

Abajo les puse significados de palabras q me ayudaron entender exactamente lo que ocurrido, los voy a marcar para mostrar cuales me dieron el bing! Que me prendio el bombillo.


Entrega
1.     f. Puesta a disposición de alguien una cosa:
entrega de dinero, de mercancías.
2.     Ceremonia durante la cual se otorgan premios o condecoraciones:
entrega de diplomas.
3.     Dedicación de tiempo y esfuerzo a una actividad o labor:
su entrega al cuidado de los animales abandonados es total.
4.     Cada uno de los cuadernos periódicos en que se divide y vende un libro publicado por partes, o cada libro o fascículo de una serie coleccionable:
novela por entregas.
5.     Cantidad de cosas que se dan de una vez como parte de un todo mayor:
pagará en cuatro entregas mensuales.
entregar
1.     tr. Poner alguna cosa o persona en poder de alguien, dar:
entregó la llave al portero. También prnl.:
entregarse a la policía.
2.     prnl. Dedicarse enteramente a una cosa:
se entregaron al estudio durante el verano.
3.     Declararse o reconocerse vencido o sin fuerzas para continuar en un empeño o una lucha:
los sitiados se entregaron después de dos semanas.
4.     Dejarse vencer por vicios o pasiones:
se entregó a la lujuria.
♦ Se conj. como llegar.
rendición
1.     f. Sometimiento al dominio o a la voluntad de alguien:
nuestro ejército consiguió la rendición del enemigo.

Wow! Si sigo también mas adelante en la literatura que decidido leer hoy dice que, “la rendición es el nuevo comienzo de una nueva forma de vida.”
Ósea que si es cierto entonces ya tome un paso muy difícil de hacer como vez en la definición 3 de entrega, es una dedicación de tiempo y esfuerzo, no es fácil. Ufff menos mal, no entendía porque no me salía, juraba que quizás yo era la mujer más terca  del mundo. Pero ese pensamiento lo encontré egocéntrico y lo más probable no era cierto.
Los que llevan leyendo este blog desde mi primer post saben que estado en un sube y baja de emociones drásticos, espero que esto pegue y sea algo que yo pueda desarrollar en mi diario vivir.

DEFFECT: No creía que andaba acompaña.

TASK: Todo llegara si pongo de mi parte, pondré de mi parte y que mi Poder Superior se encargue de lo demás. Recordar que no estoy sola.

lunes, 20 de junio de 2011

Que mucho dolor


Que mucho dolor me traído estos días, días de preocupación y agonía, no saber qué hacer ni que creer o a quien creerle. Sintiendo que las personas me utilizan y abusan de mí, sabiéndolo y sin saberlo. Aprovechando que me encuentro vulnerable. Triste me encuentro herida, con dolor en el pecho, sin aire ni energías, solo angustia y dolor.

 El cansancio de la tormenta que me traído la vida me tiene que no veo derecho, las cosas aparentan ser doble y borroso. Sigo de pies, solo un poco machucada. Solo un poco dolida, estas llagas sanan como las demás, por encimita, dejando cicatrices, y cuando cae el fio, lluvia y relámpago son molestosos y mi cuerpo recuerda. Pero yo seguiré, gracias a estos golpes soy fuerte, y no me dejo tumbar. Mi rostro siempre mira hacia arriba.

 Nadie me quitara la paz. Digo q la vida me tratado duro, eso no es así, sido Dios haciéndome fuerte, entrenando una soldada, una princesa, quien pueda batallar por otro y levantar a otro que no tenga las fuerzas. Dios me sido fuerte para bendecir a otro. Yo sido llamada y escuchado, por eso sigo hacia delante, Dios me dado la fuerza. No me rendiré ante la vida, solo ante la situación las cuales Dios tiene todo el control.

Dios bendíceme cuida de mi alma y corazón, no permitas el veneno del enemigo contaminar mi mente espíritu ni cuerpo, sigue dándome esa esperanza y perdón que solo tu das, por tu misericordia y por tu amor. Cuando llevaba mi vida sin ti encuentro que siempre me has cubierto y me guardaste, gracias te doy por mi vida y todo lo que lleva.

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viernes, 10 de junio de 2011

RECAP I have been out


I have finished the semester, I haven’t checked my grades but I’m confident. I was really looking forward for the summer, thinking it was going to be some good time off for me and that I could finally relax but it’s been all the contrary. I went full blast into sorority activities and I even won sorority girl of the year in the convention witch made me feel pretty good.

The man that had coast me much heart break in the begging of my blog has come to visit for the convention, at this same time last year we couldn’t get enough of each other, now I can’t wait for him to leave. I was expecting him to fall in love with me all over again and I as well and even though that didn’t happen I still was expecting attention. I have a bad habit of having to be the center of attention. If not I go nuts and beat myself up inside, it’s an awful and empty feeling I have when my expectations are not met.

I also started working in the summer camp we give yearly and I feel like I am in over my head, I am there from 9-5 all day in the pool, and it is hell for me. Kids jumping, splashing, kicking you tugging you and spitting water in your face, while they yell and cry, bitch and whine.
I also haven’t felt very well, first I had ear infections in both ears a throat infection and then I had really bad pains some my reproductive system which is like the worst thing in the world and now my stomach hurts so much that I can’t eat barely.

My daughter is awesome and perfect; she is talking and is what I want to concentrate on. She is growing up so fast and learns so quickly it can be scary and beautiful. She is the cuddliest and loving child I will ever know. I ONLY WANT TO BE WATCHING HER AND NOTHING EALSE.

My love life is complicated and sad I don’t even want to start with that bull shit just yet.


THIS IS AN INSTANT RECAP OF WHATS HAPPENED
BLOG TO KEEP UP TO DATE, PLEASE COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME!!
PS. AND YES I KNOW IM A CRY BABY   

miércoles, 23 de marzo de 2011

Amazing

Its amazing the way that my mind can just toy with me, I can't believe the worthless I feel or at least the way I'm made feel, just as I said the other day, most likely its all in my head, this low self esteam and this hatred and disgust to myself, I'm so sorry... Its all in my head I'm sorry for everyone I've hurt, forgive me and my wild behaviors. I need help. I've lost today...
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sábado, 19 de marzo de 2011

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Rich

anything?

Most of the time, i think that everything is made bigger then what it really is. Is it all bull shit? i don't know, I'm tired of having all this goddamn drama maybe and most likely I'm making shit up in my head...
what the hell do i really care about anything? do i really care? am i really scared or are these emotions only to entertain me and my sick ass behavior. I most likely am just making a movie in my head. living out something that impacted me and I found interesting and not really giving a shit about it in the first place. maybe its that i have had a quiet day, maybe its that i have been seeing lately that everything i want i can have so why even sweat it... and what i mean by that is, all i really have to do is make a decision on something and act on my decision and the fucked up thing is that i put my own obstacles in my way. as i said, its all in my head. the insecurities are bull shit whatever is going to happen is gonna happen you either make it or not. its all in my head, jmmm... thats kinda cool.

jueves, 10 de marzo de 2011

Fear



Talking of the concept of fear
What is fear?
Fear is a distressing emotion induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger and flee from it or confront it, also known as the Fight or Flight response. Some psychologists such as John B. Watson, Robert Plutchik, and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear belongs to a small set of basic or innate emotions. This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear should be distinguished from the related emotional state of anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.[1] Worth noting is that fear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, or continuation of a situation that is unacceptable. Fear could also be an instant reaction to something presently happening.

Okay, know that we have our definition of fear how can I start this investigation of self search or self creation?

What I am scared of:
1.     Myself
2.     My actions
3.     My words
4.     My mind
5.     Failing
6.     Success

How do I get over these fears when I am what I fear?


To be continued… 

viernes, 14 de enero de 2011

just a feeling

I have been working my ass off to get to a certen place in my life, I've been in the process of change and I have been trying to get my life on the path I want and I guess you could say my "personal legend", what I was made for. And tonight I experienced the comforting feeling that everything is going to fall into place, I just saw and felt that everything is going to be okay, and is about to happen, I don't have to feel like I am fighting against the current because I am doing what I am made for and I feel  complete peace. Because I know that something, may it be God or may it be the universe, everything is going to conspire to help me through this and get me to that place. I'm on my way, i can feel it in my bones.

TASK: keep moving forward, don't loose focus and watch everything fall into place.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

lunes, 10 de enero de 2011

Getting tools

Okay so it's up to me to get better, to regain my sanity and control. That's clear to me, no one is or should be more concerned to reach this goal more then I.
I am writing to you from my cel-phone, I am at a clinic for mental health, this is also where they have my group meetings, I have come today because I found myself lost this last weekend and found myself calling the help line on the back of my medical plan card. In reality I was in the session with this doctor and explaining to her my life and my situations, and I felt her listening and at the end of it all she took me to the other room to get a date for a session with a psychologist... FOR THE 26 OF JANUARY and that's isn't really the idea that I had of what "help" is. I mean I feel like hurting myself and cutting myself and holding this urge of doing so because I don't want to.
After all of this I am sitting and looking at the date and thinking of God, and I asked him to give me reason, to help me, and I wrote to him asking him and thanking him I feel like a little girl that can't seem to speak for herself because I want to make this date earlier and faster then what it is and yet I just can't bring myself to ask for this help, I am very nervous and yet still just trusting in God to just help me, all I want is to drop to the floor and cry, and just feel paralyzed.
So my friend that receives treatment here as well has become my mediator and has spoken for me to get this process of receiving help faster, what can I say about this. I feel ashamed and embarrassed by the fact that I am so broken right now that I can't speak for myself, the same thing happens with everything lately and everyone, I just can't seem to get anything out without feeling like I will go to far.
I have to catch this before it goes too far, I have attained too much for it to just fall to the ground and turn to dust, I WANT MY BABY GIRL TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY WITH A HAPPY AND HEALTHY MOTHER!!! I'm not fucking around, my emotions are in total control and are making my life almost impossible to move forward.


To be continued...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®



Okay so I was there all day and the thing is that I still do not know what the fuck that was for, they gave me a prescription and sent me off with another date to come in and see the psychologist. I think I would rather because honestly the drugs don’t work!!

DEFFECT: not believing in myself to get through a normal process of life everybody goes through.
TASK: shut up and do what you got to do, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

martes, 4 de enero de 2011

Frustrating



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jueves, 30 de diciembre de 2010

I'm lost again

I am in this stage where I just do not care anymore. I have grown accustomed to just the “whatever” that has been going on in my life. I mean, how I can explain it would be, before everything was a big drama, now it’s like… fuck it. I really could not care less.
My daughter has not received her pension, and normally I would be on her father’s ass and more now that its Christmas and I just take it mad easy.
I always want to be in love, and I have a little friend and he is adorable with me but, it is what it is and you know what? Fuck him too
.Downlad free Dark - Broken hearts dont have to wallpaper
I was on a soul search and I stopped analyzing my thoughts, I have been calm and just letting things go with the flow but I think that not giving a fuck is not very spiritual.
I had also become a vegetarian, what happen a couple of months into it all I finished eating was bread and water, not cool and I started eating meat again.
I have to find a way to balance my emotions out, without the extremities I mean, I can’t not give a shit, and I can’t get dramatic over the things I got dramatic over either.
Looking at all thing things at once, just makes a big mess in my head that I don’t want to look at and really don’t I just put it on the back burner and say fuck it, it will pass. In addition, maybe that is cool but at the same time, my back burner is stacking up and making a shadow over my head and I can feel it presents.
So what to do?


DEFFECT: I lost focus of the matter at hand. That peace I wanted is not this I just got comfortable.
TASK: get back the peace I had found, maybe start with some yoga.

viernes, 24 de diciembre de 2010

EcLiPsE


Cambiando las mareas del tiempo
Circulando contaste estrellas
Bolas de fuego que no apagan
Me guían cuando estoy perdida, llevándome y alumbrándome el camino
El cielo oscuro, la noche, experiencia humana negativa y peligrosa
Asegurándome
Mi camino
Cuando mire hacia arriba con el frio de la noche, me secaba los ojos llenos de lagrimas y me congelaba los dedos
Miro una bola de rojo fuego grandioso y nunca visto antes en mis ojos
Brillaba como un rubí, con un aro de plata a su alrededor
¿Será otro planeta?
 ¿Será una señal?
O solo la luna con ganas de hablar
Majestuoso y espectacular
Grave y vistoso
Esperanzas de algo que no conozco
Algo mejor
Algo diferente
Quizás el fin
Quizás el comienzo
Quizás… 

lunes, 20 de diciembre de 2010

Beautiful Rhythm


So quiet… nobody is watching me. I see no one, but me.
 I love the sound of silence, just coming to the understanding that I love the sound of it, and am completely comfortable with it. When the feeling of insight and of enlightenment come over me, what could this actually be? Serenity, That is what it is I guess, this is harmony?
 I am finally learning to let go, let things actually happen. Everything has a reason, so be it. I am tired of fighting and of caring. The obsession of having control over everything, over everyone. Acting as if I were my own personal god. I could not give myself this peace. I would have never been able to do that not for me, much less anyone else especially with the little effort I put in, the little that I have done for it.  I can actually close my eyes and just listen to the birds chirping and my breaths going in and out, in and out.
 Not wanting this moment to end, this solidarity or this individuality, I am not going to think of anyone else. Unreal to having this calm, this calm. Not talking to myself but with my selves, all my individuals, keeping each one in control, in her place, no fighting, at last, I am not trying to kill myself for this one moment this instance. The quiet all around, my hushed mind, everyone is tame and letting me heal, heal. The wounds I have been bleeding from since a young girl. This temporary sanity giving me opportunity to see hear and sleep, to be. Be I and only I with no more company. No aliens in my head, no sounds of screaming, no hate no spitting, no vomit; my image has a reflection now. I am mostly free, I feel free, for now. Will my insanity ever catch up to me? Will it remember me? Remember that I am here, Waiting, expecting it to return, with not a flinch or twitch in my body.
 I am invincible. I am a powerhouse I am of a lord I feel a soul. I feel real. My characters all bottled up, finally giving me a chance to breath. To hear and to see everything for the first time without all that noise, all that noise. All I can hear a magical key board in the background. In a far distance, guitars and beats on a drum tie in, its sounds of freedom, of angle flowing spirits of sensations with no definition and of tingling toes. In comes the enchanting voices, voices of joy, a soft delight always present, a never ending never ending… song of all hurt leaving my body my mind and my soul. Being replaced by all these melodies, sounds of undeniable harmony and beauty not of my surroundings but within.
The acceptance of no control, of no control; none. If I die now… walking in a cloud in a dream, in a dream… all these faces appear, waiting for me to care and yet no pain, no cares, no cares. My rollercoaster, what a ride, what a ride. I am living, I am living, and I am alive. Peace, faith and love, Peace love faith, faith, love, peace. Shhh… a closing of the eyes, tears run, not of pain, not of sadness, not of frustration but of joy, of letting go and of learning to live, a gift I never saw, a gift I want to keep and preserve. 


jueves, 9 de diciembre de 2010

How to Die

On December 7 2010, the world came to an end, at least for me. I died repeatedly. First, I thought of a tsunami then an earth quack. Then I was imagining what I would do, if anything happened to my daughter or to me. If one of us lived throw it, or if we both died, I thought of the clothes we should put on, our best dresses, our nicest shoes, we would play dress up and twirl and twirl and laugh and hug, and give each other kisses and sing and dance.


I had planned my suicide if anything  happen to my baby and I lived, I planned that that day I wouldn't get dressed that when I would have to berry her I would put on my favorite dress and the shoes I so love and take my life away on her grave as I damned the gods. That I would never want any other baby but my fist and only, that my life was nothing if I did not have her. That it was better to simply end it I would not be able to live.



Children art, girl, big girl in dress, painting, child, Debra Hurd -- Debra Hurd
TO BE CONTINUED...

lunes, 29 de noviembre de 2010

Once again... But do I really care?

Buenos dias, I'm sending this post from class, its really just a thought,or a comment what I want to say, I haven't thought about it, or analized it, not really, I will though, I've always said that its hard for me to fall in love, and that could be true but I have also noticed that I tend to fall in love and up till now I quickly fall right back out.

I'll get back to you on this and explain myself better but just had to write it down so I didn't forget.


*                                                                    *                                                     *

The fact is I don't care.
Every time I find someone and want to be with that person I always give my all, and become the sweetest thing that could exsist. The thing is that with the person I want to be with, loves me and adores me and all of that prettey stuff but doesn't want to be a "couple" and well its becuase he feels that he won't be able to trust in me, and thats were I see the no coherentness in his thoughts.

why do I say this, I can be a @#!*% and i can totaly brake your heart if you let me, but the thing is that I won't ever dream of doing that if you treat me the way i treat and show me how special I am to you.

I'm like a little girl that just wants to be in love right now and wants to be with someone that will apreciat me and care for me. If given that why not trust me?

So what if I have alot attention from males, all the attemtion I want I want from that person.

I am always going off and saying how slimmy guys can be and just "all up in my grill" It's like "get the @#!*% away from me".

Nada all i really want is to be loved and not only that but be able to be loved, anywere i go. I dont want to hide that I want to hold your hand. Remind you, I was never a cuddler i was never a lover, but lately all i want is one person and one love that I want tpo share my time with and my kisses and attention.

Whats wrong with this, he loves me in his own way, but I feel like I'm being jipped, that he is just getting away ith doing or getting what he wants and not wanting anyone ealse to know.

Am I being used?


DEFFECT: Complacecy, and settling fear of losing what I want, and not doing anything to change this.
TASK: Break the mold, and get what I want and need and if not out the window...hopefully


PS;   solo quiero quererte y que me quieras, I just want someebody to love and love me back.

 quiero mi gosdo:(

martes, 23 de noviembre de 2010

Spermatic Blue


I am of kind heart
 I am a server and a giver
I love my child
I love my family
I try to make you happy
Who the fuck are you anyways
You some fucking outsider…? Coming in to make me …? What exactly?
Not a God damn thing…
Do you have any idea what I am?
Who I am?
I am love for those who deserve mine and gained my respect for the ones that give theirs to me that respect me and know me and understand me
I am complicated I’m not for whatever dumb ass that wants me… I’m too much for you
I am too much for you
I am complicated
I am smart
I am creative
I am a nurturer
I am a mother   
I am responsible
I am funny
I am light…
I am light
I am so bright
I put up a fight
To the death
I hold no breath
Not for you, not for you, and not for you
I am not a muarter
Not for you
Who the fuck are you
I don’t give a shit
You fucked it up for me
The illusion of what I thought you were
What I wanted you to be
You little boy
You little toy
The one who decided to grow up this year?
And say I am a man…jmmm…?
Haaa!
That’s precious
Don’t you dare talk to me?
Don’t you dare talk back to me
And don’t act like you know me
You don’t
You won’t
You won’t
Simpleton
You won’t